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Worried About Someone?

If you’ve noticed worrying changes in a friend or loved-one, here are the important things to hold clearly in your mind:

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  • THEY NEED to know someone has noticed them

  • THEY NEED to know someone cares

  • THEY NEED to know they are not alone

 

Most importantly, the key message is:​

SAY SOMETHING.

​First things first.

 

Take the pressure off yourself by understanding that while you CAN’T fix their problems:

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  • YOU CAN help by listening

  • YOU CAN make a difference

  • YOU CAN potentially save their life

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And if you don't know what to say, how about:

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"I don't know what to say right now. But I'm glad you're alive. And I want to help."

 

Now let's make sure you have some tools under your belt.

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​START: five life-saving tools.

 

Here are some practical ways you can START to help them:

 

Spot the possible signs

Trust your gut

Ask about suicide thoughts

Really listen

Tell someone together

 

These are FIVE basic tools for a conversation about suicide.

If you want to learn TEN, join our next open training session, Talking about Suicide: 10 Tools (TAS10).

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Spot the possible signs

Most people thinking of suicide do let others know that they’re struggling – consciously or not. There are almost always signs – but tragically, too often we only realise this after a suicide.

 

These show up differently, are not all present in everyone, and are often not easy to spot. So, it’s important that we are aware and curious, and that we respond quickly and respectfully to any one of these.

 

Signs that someone may be thinking of suicide include:

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  • Withdrawing / avoiding contact with friends and family

  • Becoming irritable or confrontational

  • Becoming quiet or anxious

  • Acting recklessly

  • Sleeping more or less than usual

  • Saying negative things about themselves

  • ‘Joking’ about their emotions

  • Putting affairs in order e.g. giving away possessions, or making a will

  • Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide, including celebrities who have died by suicide

 

They most often arise from experiencing a significant loss: relationship, job, finances, friendships, bereavement, reputation, status, identity. Not always, but often.

 

Phrases or themes to watch out for on social media/online:

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  • WORTHLESS e.g. "I hate myself."

  • HOPELESS e.g. "What’s the point?" 

  • OVERWHELMED e.g. "It’s all too much / I can’t cope." 

  • FEELING INVISIBLE / ISOLATED e.g. "No one would notice if I wasn’t here." 

  • FEELING A BURDEN e.g. "People would be better off without me." 

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Trust your gut

If you notice any one of these signs, or you notice that your ‘gut feeling’ is trying to tell you something: please don’t ignore what you have seen, heard or felt.

 

If you sense that someone you know is behaving or feeling differently, it’s OK (in fact, it's VITAL) to trust and act on these thoughts.

 

If you’re not sure what to say, keep it simple:

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Share what you’ve seen. Share what you’ve heard. Share why you’re worried.

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"I notice you've been drinking more than usual, and I've heard you say 'what's the point?' That's not like you. I'm worried about you."

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This gives a life-saving message: I see you. I hear you. You matter.

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Ask about suicide thoughts

The only way to know if someone is thinking about suicide is to ask them directly. Something like:

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“Are you thinking about suicide?”

Or:

“Are you having thoughts of ending your life?”

 

You might have fears around asking this question; this is one area where training like this can really help.

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For now, please know this:

 

It is safer to address the issue of suicide directly rather than avoiding the issue

Asked with genuine concern and compassion, this respectful question can save a life

If a person answers “yes”, they are instantly safer because they are no longer alone with thoughts of suicide

If they don’t tell you they’re thinking of suicide, and you don’t ask, you might never know… until it’s too late

 

Asking about suicide WON’T:

  • Make it more likely to happen

  • Put the idea in their head

 

Asking about suicide WILL:

  • Show you believe and respect them

  • Demonstrate you care about them

  • Confirm they are not alone

  • Let them know it’s OK to talk to you about suicide

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Really Listen

Actively listening is the most helpful thing we can do immediately after asking about suicide.

(And at many other times in life too!)

 

REALLY listening means:

 

  • Taking what you hear seriously

  • Repeating their words back to them (to show that you are listening)

  • Paraphrasing, then checking you have understood them properly

  • Accepting that what they say they feel IS what they feel

  • Empathising: “I can’t imagine how painful this is for you, but I would like to try to understand.”

  • Controlling our own discomfort and ‘not knowing’ (they likely won’t have any answers, and we don’t need to have any either)

  • Asking them about their reasons for living and dying… and listening to their answers

  • Being honest: “I don’t know what to say right now, but I’m glad we’re talking.”

  • Encouraging them to focus on getting through the day rather than looking to the future

 

And if we are REALLY listening, we will AVOID:

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  • Offering answers, solutions or advice: "Here's what I think you should do..."

  • Anything like this: “Cheer up!”, “Man up!”, “Snap out of it!”, or “Pull yourself together!”

  • Judging or blaming: “You should be grateful.”

  • Minimising: “You’re being silly.”

  • Interrupting - or filling silences

  • Asking probing questions (these are often driven by our own curiosity rather than what the person needs)

  • Making promises we can’t keep

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Tell someone together

Sometimes people are understandably resistant to talking to others about their thoughts of suicide, and might ask you to keep things confidential.

 

But (and this is important) you must NEVER be the only person who knows that someone is thinking about suicide. That isn’t fair or safe for them – or for you.

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You are just two people. Any safety plan will need to involve other people: ideally at least two others, and probably a mix of formal and informal resources.

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Click here for resources in all key areas.

 

After you’ve listened, and you are sure they’re feeling supported and connected, ask who else they would be comfortable talking to.

 

A doctor or counsellor?

A 24/7 helpline such as the Samaritans or Papyrus?

Maybe a close friend, or family member?

 

Agree who else you’ll talk to. TOGETHER.

Plan out what you and they will say. TOGETHER.

Phone or visit them. TOGETHER.

Final thoughts

If someone is in immediate danger:

  • Keep yourself safe

  • Do not leave them on their own – stay, or find someone to be with them

  • Dial 999 and ask for an ambulance, or take them to A&E at their local hospital

 

Take care of yourself too.

Supporting someone in distress can be distressing in itself. After you’ve supported someone, find a friend or a confidential service who you can talk through your experience with, and discuss what you need now.

 

This is just the START.

When you have time, consider learning more. Anyone can learn to talk about suicide - and we can't leave these conversations to the 'professionals'. It is up to US as parents, friends, colleagues, HUMANS, to learn these tools. 

 

Depending on the time you have available, here are some great training sessions:

  • 30 minutes - Zero Suicide Alliance e-learning (30 minutes) click here

  • 90 minutes - Talking about Suicide: 10 Tools (TAS10) click here

  • 2 days - Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) click here or contact me

Remember this:

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  • YOU CAN help by listening

  • YOU CAN make a difference

  • YOU CAN potentially save their life

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And if you want to learn more, join our next TAS10 session.

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